Should I Tell You I Love You Even If I Dont ?
by LittlerMissC
Summary: Newmoon Instead of Edward leaving Bella does she packes her bages and goes to JaksonVill But after the tragic things that are yet to come she has to return to folks. Will she rejoin Edward or find happyness with warm Friend?
1. Beginning

**An:**

**Disclaimer: I do Not Own Twilight, I wouldnt even own it if I bought it off Ebay, Trust me I've tried.... Only the Beautiful stephenie meyer owns it :) **

Prologue: The Gap

It shouldn't be this hard, this hard to look into someone's eyes and tell them you love them, should it? No, it shouldn't. And I know it shouldn't, I've said it so many times before and now it seems too hard, too hard to say three words, words I said so much, and now can't. It's just too hard.

There's this huge gap where the words were, and I … I can't seem to fill it. I've tried and tried but nothing works, nothing will make me want to say it and there's nothing here to say it for, not even the liquid gold eyes looking down at me now, questioning my love. My love for him.

Right now was one of those moments, a moment when I was thankful that my brain didn't work right, that I didn't have him in my head the whole time, although it would be so much easier not to have to say the words, have them already there in that gap between us, maybe it could help. But what if … what if it was the gap itself?

But this was Edward … I mean Edward, the only one thing I wanted more than anything, more that life itself, I've fought for him so much, given up so much and most of all changed so much. I'm different person now, well not literally, I'm still Bella Swan but I've changed … changed on the inside – I'm more confident, do different things and I … I have different feeling.

**Hoped you liked.... Please Reveiw :)**


	2. Chapter 1

**An:**

**Ok this is how it all begins, it's a bit strange at first but you should like it …**

'I love you' he repeated as if I hadn't heard him the first time.

I pretended I hadn't 'I ... Love you too,' I hope he hadn't heard my hesitation, but of course he had he was a vampire for goodness sake and I could tell from the questions in his eyes. I dropped my gaze and I acted as if they weren't there, taking his hand 'so where are we going?' I asked no hesitation this time, and for that I was glad.

'No where special, Alice wanted to talk to you later – I think she wants to go shopping,' Groan. The words me, Alice and shopping do not enter the same sentence unless I'm telling her I can't go 'so I thought we'd go to our meadow and … relax?' his answer came out more like a question, I ignored it.

'Sounds fun, well everything but shopping,' we laughed, this time it was easy I didn't have one of those forced laughs that gave away my mood. 'Do I really have to go?'

'Well, Jasper, Rose and I won't go with her, Emmet would but he normally ends up dressed as a really deformed girl,' he laughed at a memory 'And Esme has said she doesn't want to pick him up from the shops like that again.' Which translates as: yep, sorry Bella no getting out of this one and I'm not helping you.

'Oh, okay,' now I couldn't get images of Emmet dressed as a girl out of my head, I laughed. 'I guess it couldn't hurt to go this time, I mean she is my friend and friends make sacrifices' and this would be the last time I would have to go with her I added mentally, knowing he couldn't hear it.

'Hmm.' He nodded and that was all he said before we sat on the grass and I closed my eyes.

***

'Bella, Bella love,' an angelic voice called to me but my eyes stayed shut, I'd had a pretty tough week and need rest 'Bella, come on I'm taking you back to mine.'

I nodded as his iron grasp took hold of me and I knew I wouldn't fall, I was safe here, but I was cold and that factor made it so I couldn't sleep. My eyes fluttered open, staring up at his pale face. 'You can put me down you know,' I said with a smile, any chance he got he would carry me even if it was such a short distance 'I can walk you know?'

He laughed placing me onto my feet, I swayed. 'Are you sure?' he asked 'You don't look like you can walk to me' he said picking me back up and walking to his car.

I sighed and opened my mouth to say something else but Alice had come over and was already squealing about shopping. I missed the first of her chatter but pretended I understood what she was talking about.

'… oh and I've seen some really nice shoes and there's a gorgeous blue dress I think you would look great in. We can go tomorrow if you like, Bella?' she jumped with joy 'Oh Bella this is going to be so much fun, and she ran away, well she danced away she was always so graceful the one factor I did not have.

'Sorry Bells, she has her mind set on going and you're the one she _sees_ going with her.' He whispered then shrugged. When he said 'sees' he meant in one of her visions, great that meant I had to go.

I groaned great I didn't want to shop, not because Alice is an unstoppable force of nature but because I had so much more on my mind right now. I sighed, setting off into the house to be greeted by Esme and to be taken the Mick out of by Emmet great … Just great.

***

I got home around 6ish, after arranging my shopping trip for tomorrow with Alice. Charlie hadn't had any dinner so I walked straight into the kitchen, followed by Edward. He sat in the chair he always sat in and his eyes followed me fearfully round the room, as if he knew what was going to happen, what I was going to, what it would feel like. I didn't look at him whilst I cooked, avoiding those eyes that made the guilt boil over and scold the surface.

I know I love him, but I can't stay the longer, I can't change his mind and now I've changes mine so it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I do to change it back, it won't help, and it won't change what I want and what he won't give me.

Dinner was ready and I called Charlie to the table, Edward excused himself, just like normal. I walked him to the door, hugging him bye and whispering 'You don't have to come over to night, I'm really tired and I'm just going to sleep, sorry.'

'Don't apologise,' He said holding me close 'and its ok, Jasper wanted to go out and I've already said I'd go.' He smiled once more and walked towards the Volvo.

We ate in silence; it was I told dad I wanted to move back in with my mum that there was talking in the room.

He looked at me in disbelief 'What? What are you talking about Bella?' Was all he could say as he stared at me.

'I can't stand it here any more dad, I don't want to be here and I… I…I just don't like it. I don't want to be here.' I said, stuttering as I tried to explain myself.

'O…Kay, We'll talk about it with you mum. I thought you were happy here, I thought you'd made friends and a life here. But I guess not.'

The conversation went on from there me repeating that I was happy but needed to see mum and him saying that he liked it better when I was here and that he would miss me so much.

Once I was finished I went straight up stairs, thinking about my conversation with dad and the one I was going to have with Edward in two days. This was going to be a hard week.

**An:**

**Ok I hope you liked it, please review and tell me what I did right and what I did wrong ??**


	3. Chapter 2

**Ok so Bella has made her decision, but has she forgotten about Alice and will this change her mind?? **

**Ok I hope you like this it took me quite a while :)**

School passed in a Dragging lull, especially biology, the one lesson with Edward. At least I didn't have to ride with Edward on the way back…But I had to ride with Alice, Alice who had been acting wired all day, avoiding eye contact and her voice going shrill and pitchy when she talked to me.

I got to the car just after the bell, hopping into the M3 Alice Borrowed from Rose; Alice was already in the car playing with some buttons on the dashboard.

'Ok Alice, what is wrong with you, you've been acting strange all day? And if you don't tell me I'll ask Edward' I said, looking her straight in the eyes and not blinking.

Alice broke the my eye hold first, looking down to avoid me, 'You're the one who decided to leave Bella, not me,' She said simply looking back at my surprised face 'you could have at least told me.'

'How? Alice, how did you know?' Was all I could get out, how did she know this? 'Charlie didn't tell you, did he? How could he…'

'No, Bella he didn't I saw it, I saw it happen, you break his heart, you hurt him so much and as well as all that you leave me … me. You best friend, how can you do that to me Bella, You're going to hurt me so much…' Her voice trailed off and then she was silent.

'I… Alice…But… He…It's…'I stuttered, already crying 'Don't make this harder than it already is. Alice, Let's just go shopping.' And for once in my life I was happy to go shopping, looking forward to spending time out of my head and most of all happy to be with Alice.

'Ok, and I'm sorry Bella, I'm sorry for making it worse.' Was all she said before she started the car and dove to the mall.

I'd explain every thing whilst we were there …

***

I got out of the car, picking up my bags (yes plural.) and looked back at Alice. 'Thanks for today. Thanks for every day. Just thanks… I'm really going to miss you Alice, you mean everything to me, I love you so much,' I closed the car door giving her a hug and smiling 'I'll miss you' I whispered as I reached the door, and I knew she heard me.

'Have a good day? Wow that's a LOT of bags,' Charlie said as I walked through the door. 'I got you a flight, two days. It's in the night so you're going to school both days, I've already told the school.' He said smiling a little smile and walking into the kitchen.

Two Days!! I only have two days. How am I supposed to do this in two days? Only two days…

I ran upstairs, I didn't even know what I was going to say to Edward, I'd have to do t tomorrow, and it would be too late the day after.

**This Chapter was quite short but the next one is a lot longer :) **

**Hope you enjoyed it, please review …**


	4. Chapter 3

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**Ok this is it… Bella is ready to do this, will she back out??**

**This is a very long chapter so I hope you like, it took me along time so and I had a bit of help from my sister so I want to say thanks to her … please read…**

I'm ready, I'm ready, I can do this, and I'm ready … I think.

I walked into the parking lot at school, Charlie insisted on taking me because if I drove myself it meant me going to the gas station and I was already late as it was, so anyway I walked past the cars knowing how today was going to end; tears, broken hearts and no Edward. I knew what I was going to do, whet I was going to say to him and when and where I was going to say it… I had every thing planned out… it was just waiting to be said and that's what worried me.

The look in his eyes when he saw me told me that Alice hadn't told him, all the trust in those eyes …He trusted me and yet I was going to break his heart. I knew I didn't have to and yet I was still going to I was going to break his heart, his beautiful, still heart. I was going to cause him so much pai−

'Bella,' Alice Squeaked in her perfect voice, she had gotten control after yesterday 'Oh Bella, I had such a fun time shopping with you. Please, please wear the outfits I bought for you, you'll look great. We should do it again.' she continued, looking me in the eye with deep sorrow, she knew we wouldn't be able to, with that she danced off towards Jasper was to say goodbye before he left for Home, again.

Jasper was having a gap year, so he could be with Alice in Collage, or that was the story anyway. The reality of it was that he was sitting at home watching television or playing video games with Emmet, whilst Rose was fixing and upgrading all the cars in the garage. Rose is the best mechanic that will ever exist.

'Bella,' Edward said, sighing as he pulled me into a hug. 'You smell so good.' He almost moaned as he held me close.

'It's good to see you too,' I smiled keeping my voice light and casual 'Did you have a nice night?' I asked, wanting him to talk not me 'Did you do anything fun with the Emmet and Jasper?' I asked another question making sure I didn't have to talk for a while. It worked.

'Yeah, it was good. Weird,' He paused, a smile on his face 'Em has this new theory, that we could make certain animals into vampire animals. He wanted to try it on a … a … a Fish' He finished, bursting into laughter. 'Carlisle thinks that he's insane, well so do I, but I thought it would be fun, so I helped him.' He laughed again, grinning down at me.

The bell went and we both set off in different directions, me to my first and Edward to his.

The Day was as long as yesterday, maybe longer, it dragged on and on, taking what felt like forever. And the only reason was because I knew how it was going to end, how the day was going to finish. I didn't like it, I didn't like it at all.

***

We pulled up to the house, it's now or never, Bella, now or never, I repeated to my self over and over.

'Can we go for a walk Edward?' I asked as we reached the drive way, parking the car and looking at him.

'Sure, we'll just walk on to the trail of the woods, but not too for, you know how clumsy you are.' He smiled that wonderful crooked smile, the one I used to love.

We headed towards the trees, walking in synchronisation together but not touching, never touching. We reached the trees, stepping over the shrubs and walking towards the trail, he leaned against a tree, using it for the support that he didn't need he could stand straight for years and not need anything.

I looked him straight in the eyes knowing what I was going to say, I was waiting to say it.

'What is it Bella, what's wrong?' He said rubbing the top of his finger down my cheekbone 'You look so sad, talk to me …'

Now was when I should say it, I should tell him … I needed to tell him… I had to tell him now … Now.

'Edward… Edward I…I'm Sorry…I'm really sorry Edward and I mean it. I just can't set down any more roots somewhere I don't want to be, there's not even anything worth while here to stay for,' I said tears streaming down my face 'I can't do it any more Edward, I can't carry on pretending, I'm not like you, I'm human Edward and I can't change it. I don't want to change that' I cried my closing my eyes, knees wobbling and voice quivering. I leaned against a tree for support, 'I just can't do it Edward, and I don't wont to hurt you, I never did. And I did love you, Edward, I really did but I can't handle it anymore. I can't just sit here and wait, wait for something that's not going to happen, something I don't want any more…Something I don't think I ever wanted…' My voice trailed to nothing and I looked into his eyes knowing he if could cry, he would, he'd be bawling like a baby, Crying and crying nonstop until there was nothing inside him to cry with. But he can't and I was doing enough crying for the both of us and now all I could do was cry.

He looked at me, looked but didn't see, looked … Just looked… 'Bella… How … Eh … But … You …' He stuttered again and again and I didn't know what he was trying to say, and I really wanted to know, but knowing would make it worse, would make it hurt more, wouldn't make the pain bearable, just make it worse… And I knew it would hurt…I knew how much it would hurt…How painful it would be to know once more how much he loved me, how much he cared, and it would only hurt because I wanted to know, I wanted to know it all, every single detail … All of it …

And with that, I pushed myself from the tree, pulling myself onto my feet, dropping Edward's hand, that was still close to my face, almost touching it, and I left. Walked towards the house, towards the life I was leaving behind, the life I was about to leave, and I didn't look back once, didn't look to see the cold figure stood looking after me, stood looking after the girl who held his heart, the girl he always wanted to be with … The Girl who broke his heart, crushed him and hurt him so much… the girl he loves…

As I reached the door, another stage of tears dripped to the ground, splashing in the freshly made puddles. I entered and closed the door behind me, dropping to the floor and letting my emotions take over, all I could do now was cry. And crying didn't ease the pain, didn't make hold any purpose and didn't make me go back to Edward…Edward, Oh Edward. I wanted so much to run back, run to his arm and tell him I didn't mean it, tell him I was sorry, so sorry.

It wouldn't have helped; it was like your dog dying and your mum saying you could keep it, it was as worse as these tears; painful, pointless and totally heartbreaking. It would hurt. Hurt to have to look into those eyes, hurt to touch his cool, flawless body and would hurt most to live a lie because that's what love is… A lie … One Big Lie ….

Some time later there was a knock at the door and a husky Voice called to see if anyone was in.

Pulling myself from the floor I shouted '1minuet' at the door and gazed into the mirror beside the entrance to the kitchen, to see if I looked okay to answer the door. I didn't, but answered anyway.

'Hello?' I said in a flat tone, opening the door to a familiar face. 'Jacob? Oh my God, Jake, it's so nice to see you, Come in come in.' I said in a more pleasant tone, opening the door further.

He looked at my eyes, seeing what I saw moments ago in the mirror; a big red puffy mess and ran a warm finger down the path the tears had taken on my cheek. 'Bella, are you okay?' was all he said before pulling me into a bear hug and letting me cry some more.

**An:**

**Ok hope you liked that twist at the end, it was an idea one of my friends came up with, it may be a while till I write some more what with going back to school and every thing …. Review …**


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